


Will You Still Love Me?

by NonReviewingReadersWillBeShot



Series: Love & War [1]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Sexual Content, Sexual Slavery, Sexual Violence, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-01-21 22:44:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12467628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NonReviewingReadersWillBeShot/pseuds/NonReviewingReadersWillBeShot
Summary: The Warrior shares a dark secret with her husband Malavai Quinn, but with her mind sabotaging her every thought, will she be able to?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am attempting to explore the depths of trauma and apply a realistic response to it.  
> This is AU in nature because my Sith Warrior is influenced by an RP story that I made for her years prior to writing this. Anyone who endured a physical, and emotional trauma like the one I am depicting here would have deep psychological damage from it.  
> Tags are also subject to change due to the constant adding of new chapter.  
> You are also forewarned that this story is still being written and I am currently replaying the Warrior to get my facts straight, so the upload times on this story is infrequent and could take as long as a month to have the next chapter posted.  
> (This chapter may also be changed at some point in time seeings as I am still writing the story and some things may need to be changed to suit what is written in later chapters)  
> Having said that, if you have triggers, please do not read and turn away now.  
> Enjoy!  
> (Essential details purely based on my own headcanon)  
> Warrior:  
> Height: 5'0"  
> Age when story takes place: 25  
> Race: Twi'lek  
> Skin Color: Yellow(Tolian)  
> Eyes: Crystal Blue  
> ~  
> Malavai Quinn:  
> Height: 6'1"  
> Age when story takes place: 32  
> Everything else is canon based.

There was a fear deep within her, a fear of unfathomable depths.

It’s a truth that in love and war; hearts get broken.

But along with that fear; came hope.

A hope that her broken heart could be mended in the arms of the one she loved and trusted, she trusted him with her life, and now she would trust him with her secret.

It had been months since they were married and it had been longer still since they had fallen in love with each other. Millfa knew that Malavai was smitten with her on Balmorra, the way he acted, his boyish excitement. He was restricted by enough red tape to drown a small company that kept him from pursuing her but once Baras released him, she was free to pursue him. And his reaction to her advances was a cute display that she found amusing in a way that was not condescending.

When she first saw Quinn her heart skipped a beat and there was something about him that drew her to him like a moth to a flame. The first time she had laid eyes on Quinn he was threatening a soldier, informing the man that he could kill him with a clear conscience and without a second thought. It wasn’t what you could consider a ‘romantic’ first meeting but then again few things in war if at all; are romantic. He was very by the book however and it was the first thing she noticed about him, he was also quite loyal to Darth Baras and that bothered her to an extent. Of course she was giving her master the same impression of loyalty but she also didn’t hide her distaste for what he ordered her to do either.

When it was just her and Vette, Millfa would voice her opinion of Baras being too rash and using overkill to do away with his contacts. Millfa also tried to shield Vette from the majority of what the Empire could throw at them, and there was a lot. They were two Twi’lek’s, both slaves at some point in their lives, and they were beautiful by common standard. There were a lot of looks, a lot of taunts, and a lot of held tempers. Millfa would spend a lot of time talking to Vette, and Vette would tell stories of a glorious free life of piracy, but she didn’t just share the glorious tales, she shared the hardships as well. The life of slavery from birth the changing of masters all while she was so young.

It didn’t take Vette long to dare to ask Millfa if she was a slave before her days at the academy either. With the reactions Millfa had given and the sorrow that felt too genuine to be mere empathy, it all lead her to come to the most obvious conclusion. Millfa had been honest in response as well, informing Vette that she was indeed a slave. Millfa informed Vette however that there were things about her past that she would never come to know due to the nature of the atrocities, but it didn’t matter, she wasn’t about to ask anyway. A bond had formed between the two, an unlikely friendship that was born from their similar origin and the care that they had for one another due to these unfortunate circumstances.

Vette had been by Millfa’s side on Balmorra when she had met Quinn. One thing about her was that she wasn’t stupid, she could already see the reaction her master had towards the Imperial lackey and it was a concern for her, because of Quinn’s nature. She had watched Millfa openly flirt with the man and she found it amusing to an extent. The lieutenant would be so easily thrown off by Millfa’s advances that she enjoyed watching the show and would sometimes forget through it all why they were actually on the planet. If there was one thing Vette could say about him, it was that he was dedicated, and knew how to do his job well, since he was able to trap a Jedi at the spaceport and prevent any information being leaked to her superiors.

Millfa never thought anything of it when she flirted with Quinn; it was common for her to play with the emotions of those she knew to conform them to what she wanted. She had been trained since early childhood to do just that. Flirting came as naturally to her as breathing and it was only when the situation caused her to be trapped between a rock and a hard place did she start panicking and lose all direction of how to escape it. Sometimes Millfa would casually throw out something that was quite suggestive, of course she had intended it to be that way, but she never saw the harm in her words. She didn’t know that there was a boundary she had to stay behind, she was never taught to not go over it, and so she acted without concern.

When Quinn joined the crew, Millfa’s flirting increased, and she got a kick out of watching him act as he did. She enjoyed being in control, she liked having a certain power over people, men specifically; that she could easily see, and Quinn ticked all the boxes. Once when she had gone to the bridge to speak to her Captain she was taken back when he had asked for a transfer. She almost lost her composure and façade that she showed him when he had asked, and in that moment she had started questioning herself asking what she could have done to make him want to leave.

She fell into her Sith role and asked him if the mission was too much for him. He quickly responded that he worked best under difficult situations and instead informed her that he was compromised, and that thoughts of her had begun to _distract_ him. Her heart lunged forward, this was the moment when she was lost, all her flirts and gestures, her treatment of him had all lead to this point, the point she was trained to get to, but now she didn’t know what to do.

She couldn’t take this any further.

_“If you can’t take it Quinn, I’ll deposit you back on Balmorra to rot and never give you a second thought. You can watch the holonet for news on the real action.”_

She hadn’t wanted to be that abrupt or cruel, but she had to stop this where it was, have him know that she could easily get rid of him so he would see that their interactions with each other were just a game for her, a passing of the time.

The exact opposite happened however. Her attempt at ridding herself of this uncomfortable moment had backfired.

_“I’m going to kiss you now my lord.”_

She was caught off guard by his words, what other reaction could she have to this? She had just essentially told him that she didn’t care about him and he had reacted completely differently than any other person she knew would have. She had no idea how to respond to what he said so she simply went rigid as her mind attempted to figure out what was going on. She was even more caught off guard when he moved towards her, reached out grabbing her waist and pulled her to him, kissing her deeply but briefly.

What surprised her most of all was that she kissed him back. She had her heart set on getting rid of the notion of any romantic feelings between them for her own safety, but here she was enjoying his bold nature and reciprocating those very feelings. When he relinquished his hold on her waist to return her to her previous position she stared into his eyes and questioned everything. She stepped back and held her hands up and in front of her still processing the rapid chain of events that had just taken place.

_“Now, more than just duty and honor will be driving my work.”_

She was still in shock and could barely remember later what she had said, _“Drive fast, Captain.”_ She had replied, as she gave him a telling look before leaving the bridge,

On her way out she lifted a hand to her mouth, touching her lips, as she recalled him kissing her.

She had no idea what had just happened.

Indeed it all happened to quickly for her to be able to figure it out, but what she did know was that Quinn wasn’t backing down, he was in love with her, and she with him. She was giddy, but she was also terrified, this was going further rather than being put to a stop, and she wasn’t, no, _couldn’t_ do it, she had to find some excuse. She was Sith after all didn’t they do this all the time? However, when she tried to find a way out of this predicament she found herself not wanting to end it. She was now in a war between accepting him or pushing him away.

Things went by somewhat smoothly after that. She approved his promotion to Captain 2nd grade, and helped him assassinate a demented Moff, after he had relentlessly harassed them and Malavai specifically, with constant messages. She couldn’t deny even she was happy to see the man die even though she didn’t care much for the state of the Empire. There came a hitch however as there always was in affairs of the heart, when she went to converse with him again after the Moff's death.

He explained how he was too rigid and inflexible, and that he was tired of suppressing his emotions and especially his love for her.

And as she did with everything; she was suspicious to no end, _“I won’t tolerate being teased; you’d better be serious.”_ In her eyes what he had said dripped with countless lies,

_“I don’t play games my lord; you should know this by now. Come with me to my quarters, I’ll show you how I feel.”_ His voice was low, raspy, and suggestive in equal measure,

She panicked again, she couldn’t do this, she might have allowed him to kiss her, but she couldn’t do this, there was no way she was going to progress this course of action as she had before. It went against everything she was and wanted, and despite the painful repercussions that would follow in the wake of her decision, she was going to have to accept it and so was he.

She was as composed as she could be, given the situation, _“As much as I appreciate the gesture Quinn, I won’t be joining you in your quarters.”_ She said flatly,

_“I know you feel the same way about me my lord, you’ve made no show of hiding it.”_ He insisted,

_“You have the right of it, but this is my ship and I choose when and to whose quarters I go to. As for now we have pressing concerns and I need to have a clear head, but when we have time, I’ll be waiting.”_ She was insistent and didn’t relent,

Millfa could see he was mildly disappointed but given hope by her acknowledgement that she would be with him, just not at that time.

_“Of course my lord, I’ll be looking forward to it.”_

_"This changes nothing; my feelings for you are still as strong as ever, just as yours are.”_ She assured,

That time never came however. She put it off again and again, making as many excuses as she could to avoid sleeping with the man she actually truly loved. She wasn’t ready; there were things he didn’t know, things that had to be known before a moment of passion could ever come between them. Sooner or later she knew she would have to tell him. She wanted to, it was just easier said than done, the things he needed to know about weren’t exactly her favorite conversation starters.

Time passed, and nothing changed, they grew closer still until finally Malavai had asked her to marry him. She was overjoyed naturally, but also terrified in equal measure, she was getting everything she ever wanted out of life when she was free of slavery, so obviously she couldn’t believe that it was happening. Being a slave takes aware your self-serving desires, and you live solely for the desires of others, seeking to do everything you can to fulfill them or otherwise feel the painful reminder of what your role was. She was never good at following the orders of her master once she was sold but she still had that base emotion.

She accepted his marriage proposal without a second thought and soon they were husband and wife. Quinn naturally assumed that after their marriage it was ample time to make good on that ‘alone time’ Millfa had promised but just as before; she had another excuse at the ready and he was shut down yet again. She knew at this point it was going to start taking its toll on him so the time had finally come for her to share her life with him. It was finally time to face the inevitable, albeit put off task of explaining herself to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there it is, I hope you enjoyed.  
> And even though he doesn't have quarters on the ship and that voice line makes no sense, lets just act as if the Fury has an extra room on it for him because otherwise that line annoys the heck out of me. Not sure what I'm expecting though seeings as they still haven't fixed the issue with his voice-lines such as the time when he has 2 extra VA's providing his lines...very annoying.


	2. Who I Truly Am...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Millfa has decided it's time to reveal her true nature to her husband, but will he accept her for who she is? And will the ghosts of her past consume her, or will he be there to save her?

  
  
  
Millfa had to get Vette’s opinion on the matter despite it being both personal and private.

So she made the Twi’lek aware that she intended to share her dark secret with her husband. Vette was naturally standoffish toward the idea at first seeing’s as it was Quinn that Millfa was sharing this information with. Vette shared her concern that Quinn might not take it well and he could in fact see Millfa as weak and unfit to follow, perhaps even losing interest in her, despite their marriage. Vette was not aware of the full extent of Millfa’s treatment at the hands of those in power over her, but she knew enough which was why Millfa was already twisting with fear when she told Vette of her plans to tell Quinn.

Because despite Vette not knowing the whole story she was already sharing concerns of the plan going awry. Millfa didn’t particularly want to have this conversation with Malavai either due to the pain those memories brought up but her husband had a right to know. He had a right to know why she denied him his husbandly right to her, even after marriage.

Finally Vette had put aside her personal feelings toward Quinn for the sake of her friend and told Millfa that he did deserve to know about her past. Vette was smart enough to see how much Quinn loved her friend and master, so a part of her already knew that he would take what Millfa said and love her anyway, but Vette had to warn her of the possibilities of it going wrong regardless. Quinn was as staunch as they come; everything for him was Empire first and personal gain later. However when it came to Millfa she was his priority, and despite her distaste of the man, Vette explained this.

Vette wasn’t as affected by her slave past as Millfa was. Yes, things that she did were determined by her treatment in a life that was long since over, but she didn’t have as many mental chains as Millfa. Not even Vette knew about the emotional torture her friend was forced to endure on such a deep level. The nights she would silently cry and scream into her pillow while she tried to sleep. The haunting images that flashed through her mind with light speed after smelling, seeing, or feeling something similar to past encounters, or experiencing instances she had been subjected to in the past.

The barrage of insults that her own mind would throw at her.

Her low self-esteem.

Her non-existent self-worth.

And the Fear…

The fear was the most haunting element of her trauma that caused all of the other symptoms to flourish. She was terrified of everyone and everything, the thought that she was living a fairytale and sooner or later she would be yanked from her life to be thrown back into abuse and misery. She was bordering on insanity, and it was killing her. Confiding some of these things with Vette was a much needed comfort but she needed more, she needed to feel that one thing she never had.

The one thing fear kept her from fully accepting and acknowledging, forcing her to question it in every waking moment.

Love.

She had never known love. Never knew what it meant, never knew what it was like to be loved, to have someone want you for something more than your physical attributes and what that could offer them. It terrified her to be loved and love in return, she couldn’t accept these things. It would crush her and break her down until there was nothing left but an empty shell.

These thoughts whirled around in her head on a daily basis and it pained her in every silent moment. When she wasn’t busy, when she wasn’t doing something to keep herself occupied from her past. She hated herself for feeling this way, she knew she was a stupid girl who was hiding behind a wall of safety that had existed for years, and had served her well to keep her heart safe. To spare her any further pain that those around her deemed necessary to inflict. Everyone was an enemy; even those she trusted with her life were her enemies. It was a vicious cycle, and she didn’t know how to break it.

After their conversation; Vette had left for shore leave. Millfa liked to offer the crew some time off between missions and now that they were to follow instructions given to them by the Emperors hand, she gave them a moment of their own because it was going to be seldom seen for a while. She wouldn’t normally take such chances with those who sought to kill her, but Barras had no idea Millfa lived on Dromund Kaas sometimes. Millfa had taken the necessary precautions to see to it that her house remained a secret and so far it would suffice until she found another residence.

Her agents were currently working on securing her another house on Alderaan, but it was taking longer than she had liked and so the danger of living under her former master’s nose was ever present. Malavai remained as close to her as he could be under all situations. He always remained on the ship with her during shore leave, unless she took him to their home on Dromund Kaas, where he usually sat in his office and worked on Imperial data and paperwork.

He always wanted to find some way to improve the performance of the ship and give them an edge in space combat and various other events. And when he was at home on Dromund Kaas he would always be filing paperwork, offering advice to his peers or planning strategies, he was a dedicated man if nothing else. Millfa usually only went to her house on Dromund Kaas or stayed in her room on the ship to train or meditate, and he stayed with her.

On this specific occasion she had brought them to their home again.

They exited the elevator and Quinn bowed slightly while addressing her as she instinctively removed her headress. He wasn’t usually this formal after they were in a relationship when they were alone, unless he had something important on his mind.

“My lord I will be in my office pouring over some intelligence reports, if you have need of me you know where to find me.” He said,

She reached out to him and stopped him from turning and leaving. Her hands were visibly shaking and she quickly withdrew them rubbing them together.

“I was actually hoping we could have a moment to ourselves.” She began, hoping he didn’t notice her behavior,

Malavai seemed to spring to life and adopt an informal air about him, “Your Captain is off duty if you need him to be.” He said with a smile,

She couldn’t help but chuckle ever so slightly and smile sweetly at him, “Let’s discuss it in our room, as much as I like your office, the furniture you like was never designed for comfort.”

He cocked an eyebrow in curiosity, perhaps he was getting his hopes up. She didn’t want to lead him on but it had happened regardless. She reached out a shaky hand to hold his and lead him to their room, this time her nervous behavior didn’t go unnoticed.

They reached their room and Millfa let go of his hand to stand by the window, looking out into the storm-ridden sky of Dromund Kaas. It was a well-furnished room. There was a bed for the two of them that was luxurious in design, finely made carpets on the floor, various flora from many different planets sitting in pots and planters. Beautifully made paintings and portraits hung on the walls along with several draping flags with the Empire’s insignia on it, and soft, warm white-yellow light shone down from the roof. Several Holocrons and Datacrons scattered the room as well, there was also a dresser for the both of them to change into standard attire for comforts sake, and a desk and chair were also in a corner of the room facing the window. Craftsmanship from Voss.

The room had the stamp of Millfa’s decorating hand all over it.

There was an oppressive silence that fell on the two that was so thick you could have cut it with a vibroknife. She had frozen up. Her eyes darted every which way frantically searching the landscape of Kaas City looking for an escape, but there was no escape now. To Millfa the silence seemed to last an eternity but in reality it had only been a few seconds. Malavai however was growing more confused as time passed, he had no idea what his wife wanted to say or do, and waited questioningly.

“Do you love me Malavai?” She finally asked, her voice more hoarse than she wanted and she kicked herself mentally,

“My lord…” He was taken aback by her question, “My love is not something I have ever hid from you, and we were married only a few months ago. Have I done something to make you question my intentions?” He asked, but she didn’t answer at first so he continued, “I even offered to show you how I felt by inviting you to my quarters, which you refused, along with all the other times you denied me, and I was alright with that, you are my lord, and what you say will be...” He continued, as he took several steps towards her,

It concerned Millfa that Quinn knew she was dodging him the whole time. Of course she knew he wasn’t stupid so he was bound to figure it out sooner or later, but she still didn’t like it.

“Malavai no. Please don’t think I am questioning your love for me. I know how you feel; I just…had to ask…” She turned and faced him, fumbling with her shaking hands,

“You’ve always said that I don’t need permission to speak freely so if I may, might I say something?”

She nodded.

“You’ve been acting quite strangely over the last few days and I would like to know why that is. I can only assume it has something to do with your sudden question.” He said,

“It does.” She offered, “There are things we need to talk about.”

“By all means my lord, I am ready to hear whatever it is you have to say.”

She took a deep breath.

“I assume you remember the conversation we had on the ship where you mentioned that my actions were unorthodox, and that I would leave many high value enemy targets alive?” She asked, and he nodded, “You are with me almost always when I leave the ship to go on a mission, so you are more acquainted with my actions than most, you know how I act. Could you follow a Sith like that?” She continued,

“My Lord, I am loyal to you. The Emperor himself has chosen you to be his wrath and I know you will shape the galaxy to your will. I have never questioned your ability to lead despite your actions that don’t seem to always have the Empire’s best interests at heart.” He answered,

She liked his answer even if the Empire was at the heart of his reasons.

“You know me as the Sith I show everyone I am. Could you still love me if you find out there is a side to me you’ve never seen?” She was afraid of the answer,

He placed gentle hands on her shoulders, “My lord, I’ve said this before, I am committed to your…our legacy. I am committed to you, I love you and I always will. I walked into this thinking you were a typical Sith who gives no concern for human life, that throw the agents of the Empire around as if they were pawns in a game. You have proved my assumptions to be wrong countless times by showing concern for our troops and using the republics own troops for your own gain.

I am forced to admit that making adjustments to everything I know about the sith has been a lengthy process, one that I am still trying to fully comprehend but you have my undying loyalty my lord.” He explained, his voice was both serious and gentle, he meant what he was saying,

“You’ve seen the way I treat certain aliens, the way I treat potential allies depending on their species. I’ve killed people without thought at times…that doesn’t concern you?” She questioned,

"That's what typical sith are known for. Granted you have a completely different motivation for your actions so when you killed certain people I always assumed you had a good reason for it. If I recall you've only killed a half dozen Hutt's, and most notably Rathari's apprentice, you seemed to like him the least." Quinn summarized,

"My sporadic and psychotic behavior doesn't give you a reason to fear I could cause you harm?" He had paid close attention to her body count it seemed,

"My lord, you've always handled me like I was fragile, something to be protected. I have no fear of you raising a hand to strike me down." He said plainly, "If you did decide however that I no longer benefited you I would-"

She pressed a finger to his lips, "Don't, you will never not matter. You are a human being, and you are not an expendable resource that can run out of usefulness. You should stop seeing yourself as such, because that is not how I see you."

He playfully kissed her finger as she retracted it, "This is why I love you."

Millfa smiled at him her cheeks hot from his flirtatious action, “Then perhaps it’s time you got to know the woman you married.”

She was still afraid though, that hadn’t changed. She was about to dredge up the sordid details of a life she would rather forget forever. The irrational fear that Malavai would hate her was ever present in her mind despite what had just transpired. She needed to know if Malavai could accept her for who she really was.

A slave.

She gestured to the bed and he sat down on the edge while she stood to continue her story.

“I am not attuned to the dark side as you probably already know.” She began, and she eyed him fearfully,

“I had my suspicions; the sign of corruption is nowhere to be seen on you.” He noted,

She was tense, the tone of his voice implied he was not happy about this, but she had to tell him the truth.

“Nor am I attuned to the light side of the force either.”

He looked at her curiously.

“I study both the light and the dark, both coexist within me, and I use both to my advantage. I understand that Sith hate the light side of the force and that they seek to use it as a tool rather than embrace it as a companion. But I cannot deny that both sides of the force have aided me in battle and have kept me alive more than once.”

“You have found a way to harness the full power of the force?” He asked,

“Yes, I meditate on both, in case this makes you worry that I could do something foolish, don’t. I can never deny my emotions, my feelings for you most of all. Our feelings play a large part in what makes us who we are, and we learn nothing by locking them up and ignoring them, the Jedi have no more of an understanding of the force than the Sith do. Revan knew the power that harnessing both offers. That is something that I want, and I will continue to study for many years to come. I hope I have your support in this. I know it doesn’t embrace the Empire’s teachings but I cannot commit to the dark side, if I did it would destroy everything I am…there is too much I have endured to let my guard down.” She explained,

“I know how strong you are, I have seen you fight, and I know almost all of your techniques. If this power comes from embracing the true potential of the force than I will support your endeavor and protect you from those who oppose you. As both your Captain and dutiful husband.”

She averted her gaze from him and wrung her hands together for a moment, this was going better than her fears had let her hope, “What I have to say next is perhaps the hardest thing for me to speak about…especially to you.”

“I will listen to everything you have to say with an open mind my lord.” He assured, “I see no reason to question you or your motives from what you’ve told me already.”

She bit her lip and tried to hold back tears, now wasn’t the time.

Not yet.

“I have no real…allegiance to the Empire.” She breathed,

Quinn was surprised to say the least, “My lord, I find that hard to believe. Everything you have done so far for the preservation of the Empire, and the Emperor himself choosing you to be his Wrath, says otherwise.” He protested,

“You don’t understand Quinn.” She still didn’t look at him,

“The Empire is your home; you have titles, property, and power over life itself. I have watched you work for Darth Baras; I have watched you destroy Jedi in your wake.” He continued,

He was finding it hard to understand what she was telling him.

She turned to face him, the tears she was holding back threatening.

“The Empire is not my home…” She breathed deeply and hoarsely, “I…I was a slave.”

The tears she held back slowly made glistening trails down her cheeks.

Quinn didn’t know what to say.

“I don’t know where my home is…I never knew my parents. I was sold into a life of slavery at birth.” She continued,

Quinn remained silent, pondering over what she had said, processing the information and how he should react to it. It left him with so much to question about her. Was she only doing all of this out of fear? Just to keep herself in the good graces of those that held her future? It caused him to remember all he had done for Barras and how much he had slaved away for the empire to regain the position he once had.

“Well, say something.” She practically demanded, despite the tears she was attempting to keep her composure,

“My lord, I don’t know what to say.” He managed finally,

Panic, fear, and terror, were taking hold on her. She had unconsciously started pacing, and lifting her hands to her head in a frenzy.

“You don’t love me anymore.” Her mind had thrown her into a state where reason was absent,

“My lord, I have said no such thing.” He defended himself against the accusation,

“No you don’t have to…I can tell the truth just by your response.” She continued, her eyes were fear driven,

Quinn stood from the bed and walked over to her, “My lord, I assure you my love for you has not changed, something as insignificant as this will not stop me from loving you.”

“My life is not insignificant!” She screamed, startling him,

“Forgive me my lord that was not what I meant to imply.” He assured,

“Stay away from me!” She ordered,

He ignored her and pulled her into his arms to calm her down. It was the only thing he could think to do as this was the first time he had experienced someone acting like this. With her reaction he knew it wasn’t perhaps the best idea but at the time he couldn’t think of anything else.

“I said don’t touch me!” She yelled as she struggled to get free,

He held her tightly but gently against his chest.

“Get off me! Let me go!” She continued to scream,

He did his best to ignore her frantic pleas as he continued to hold her and stroke her lekku. She wasn’t using the force to get him off, and he knew she could if she wanted so he didn’t see her pleas to be a truthful reflection of what she wanted. He had a feeling she wouldn’t let him go if he attempted to move away from her. She struck him with her fists in an attempt to get free, but he remained steadfast and wouldn’t let her go until she had calmed down. His heart was breaking for her. He really didn’t know a thing about who she really was and what she was dealing with. He had assumed so many things, not once considering that she could have been a slave.

He knew from her outburst that she had to have endured some horrific things if she could snap in an instant like she did. Now knowing what he did, the fear driven details, he had to be there for her, had to comfort her when she needed him. She was not a typical Sith, not by a long shot. Her mind was haunted by the ghosts of her past, a life he had no idea about, a life she had never shared with him until now. It took for them to get married before she felt safe enough to bring this topic up. The fear that must reside in her heart to cause an outburst like this had to be monumental.

It had taken a while but finally she stopped pounding him with her fists and gripped him for all she was worth.

“Malavai…I’m so sorry…” She wanted to cry but she couldn’t, instead the tears fell silently,

She was broken and ashamed of herself, for everything she had just said and done.

“Don’t apologize my lord, I had no way of knowing about your past, you’ve never talked about it before now.” He dismissed,

“I was afraid, afraid you wouldn’t love me anymore once you found out about me. You have no idea how scared I was to lose you, I can’t lose you now…I love you.” She breathed,

“I love you too my lord, and we’ll get through this, I’m not going to leave you.”

He realized she had endured a trauma and her irrational fears were borne from it.

He guided her over to the bed and they sat down, he held her hand in his, rubbing her knuckles with his thumb, “I don’t know what happened during your time as a slave, and it’s not my place to ask you to tell me, but I will be here for you as your husband if you decide to talk. There are so many things I don’t know about you; it’s true…but I want to get to know you for you, not a façade you put up in front of those who could harm you. I want to know what to…avoid in future instances so that I don’t hurt you any further.” He said,

Her mind had snapped in a matter of seconds, and it had forced her to think unspeakable things about him. He had been dragged along for the ride, and now that he was on it, now that he had seen her true emotions for the first time, that fear that she hid from him, he couldn’t get off, not now. He had to ride it out to its destination that may or may never come. The way her mind twisted life around her didn’t change anything between them, just because she was a victim of the Empire from birth, that didn’t mean that he should cast her aside. He himself knew of the atrocities the Empire had inflicted upon its own people.

If anything it meant that he was more concerned for her and cared more about her wellbeing than he had before. She was not that fearless warrior that she had shown him right up until this moment. She was a scared little girl who only wanted someone to protect her and tell her everything was going to be okay. And for her that someone was him, a staunch military man who knew nothing outside of serving the Empire. A man who had to now change everything he knew about her force alignment, allegiance and origin.

He had heard the stories, everyone had. Sith used hate and pain to fuel them so that they became powerful weapons of destruction. He knew the Empire was a cold cruel place, so naturally he assumed that most if not all Sith had endured something traumatic, but this was the first time he had actually seen the other side of the coin. The first time he had a seen a Sith that was haunted and tortured by a past that would thrust them into the arms of the dark side and make them unfeeling hate machines.

“I want to tell you…I just need a moment to compose myself.” She said as she wiped her face from the tears,

She wanted so desperately to apologize to him until all this was simply a bad dream, she wanted to kneel at his feet and beg him to forgive her for her weakness. Her life was one sick and twisted turn after the other that threw nothing but pain and misery at her.

**_He doesn’t love you anymore, how could he._ **

**_You should be thrown aside._ **

**_He hates you now._ **

**_Weak._ **

**_You’ll die alone._ **

**_He’s lying to you._ **

**_You’re pathetic._ **

**_Nobody could ever love you._ **

**_You’re weak, you deserve to die._ **

**_You’re broken._ **

The voices that tormented her, rattled around in her head, constantly reminding her that she was a useless waste of space that nobody could ever love. That she couldn’t trust anyone and reminding her that her entire life of slavery had taught her as much as well. She tried desperately to silence them but they wouldn’t leave her be. She wiped the tears from her face roughly as if that would force the voices to leave her but they didn’t, not until Quinn placed his large hand over the one he already held. He was going to protect her, and do whatever it took to keep her safe.

She could trust him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it, I hope you enjoyed the small insight into her true nature. Feel free to let me know what you think!


	3. In The End We're All Alone...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mental walls inside her mind continue to block her attempts at peace, and what is the gruesome past she has been hiding from her husband all this time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys this is it, "Underage Rape" ahoy, so if you don't want to read that...please leave.
> 
> At the point when the text is italic that is the reader going straight into her memory, instead of having her simply explain to Quinn what happened I thought it best to have an actually memory of the event, albeit fast paced as it is. She skips through the memory rather quickly moving from significant event to event.
> 
> I've also re-read the chapter multiple times so if I have missed a few mistakes then I apologize but there is only so much I can do.  
> (I also edited the second chapter and added a few new paragraphs so you may want to go check that out first, or not, it is entirely up to you, but some of what is mentioned in this chapter won't fit that well unless you do, just saying.)
> 
> Also this chapter is in 1st person, I decided it would be best to switch the person used to make it more personal and give it that better feel for what she is going through. Things mentioned in other chapters will also be repeated but that is for the sake of the new 1st person perspective. Sorry, not sorry if that bothers you.
> 
> The Warrior may also seem perhaps bipolar(probably not the right word for that but anyway) in this chapter because she goes from crying to caring about Quinn in a very short amount of time, but that's intended because a lot of what goes on in her head doesn't make sense, she has a lot of issues if you couldn't tell.

*******

Some time had passed which allowed me to compose myself despite the information I was about to dredge up and I noticed Quinn look at me with a face that implied he had a question, but he wasn’t quite sure how to put it into words.

“What is it?”

“It’s nothing.” He replied,

I thought for a moment before speaking, “Quinn I value your honesty above all else…even if it means that my feelings could be hurt.”

“And I appreciate that my lord, but I don’t think it is an appropriate question considering the setting.” He ratiocinated,

There was a small tugging in the back of my mind that needed to know what he wanted to ask, it was important for me that he held nothing back but I was growing concerned of what it could be.

“You know I won’t hold it against you whatever it is, you’re my husband and I want to know your thoughts.” I pressed my hand gently on his thigh,

He studied me for a long moment looking for assurance.

“Well it’s just…” He thought more thoroughly on his choice of words, “Most slaves…aren’t given names, most if not all the time a brand or a series of numbers are used to refer to a slave.”

I knew what he wanted to ask now but I had to hear him say it.

“And in light of this information, I’m…” Choosing his next remark gave him pause, “Curious if…Millfa is your real name.”

He was clearly hesitant and truly didn’t want to ask me this but since I had forced the issue he complied.

There was no going back now, I had to tell him the truth, “No it’s not.” I returned,

“What…was your real name, and why did you choose Millfa?” He seemed genuinely curious and also perhaps a little wary,

“I didn’t have a name…it was just a string of unimportant numbers to identify me whenever I was transported anywhere.” I began, “But as for what Millfa really means…it is not a name.”

“Not a name? But it has a certain elegance to it, perhaps something you would find among your kind.” He theorized,

“Perhaps.” I exhaled, “If you wish I can tell you the meaning of my name and why I carry it, but I warn you there is nothing poetic about it.”

I said that as if what I had intended to share with him to begin with wasn’t already twisted and disgusting; the story behind my name sake couldn’t even hope to compare.

Quinn vacillated for a moment, “It was important enough to you to carry this word around as a name and I would like to know what significance it holds.”

His curiosity into my life was not something I wanted him to be invested in; at least to much of an extent because nothing good ever came out of my life before I met him, he was the only good thing I found in this fucked up galaxy.

“My name is an acronym for several names.” I looked out the window as I spoke, my gaze not trained on anything specific,

He pondered the implications of what that entailed, “Your name consists of six names? People you knew?”

“Twi’lek women who died at the hands of my master…” I ground the word ‘master’ out like it was poison on my tongue, “I remembered all of their names and carried them with me. Since I myself did not have a name, I thought I would honor their memory and death by using the first letter of each for my own. For the short time that we were together, I came to care for them, we all struggled with the same horrors and we were closer than blood.” I explained,

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, they are better off where they are now…at peace.” I dismissed coldly but it was a harsh truth,

I wondered what he thought of my name now. Did it lose meaning now that it was no longer what you could consider  _beautiful_  or did my name still hold that elegance that he spoke of? Perhaps he thought it was indeed honorable that I chose to carry the names of the dead with me. Honestly I thought it was more morbid than honorable even though I did do it to honor those who were taken too quickly. I didn’t want to ask him what he thought though, I just wanted to let it go, there was enough pain in my life already without bringing this old wound to light again, I wasn’t going to change my name regardless so it didn’t matter that much if he disliked it or not. I was perhaps going to be a little on edge after telling him this but I would rather he know since I had encouraged him to ask. 

“Are you sure you’re ready to share this information with me?”

He asked because he knew that if six women had died and I was left in this broken state that I hid on a daily basis, an appalling re-telling was bound to follow.

“I am.”

I took several deep breaths to calm myself enough to speak of the unspeakable.

“There are things I’m going to tell you about my past that will also serve to explain why we never…” I wasn’t entirely sure how to finish that sentence,

“Millfa you don’t have to.”

It was comforting to hear him use my name regardless of just finding out its meaning, “No, I do, I need to tell you because I want to…with you, and there are things you need to know.” I insisted, as I took a shaky breath and let it out before continuing, “I was raped Quinn…and I remember it all as if it were yesterday.”

I turned away from him; I couldn’t look at him while I said that. I felt worthless and damaged, dirty and repulsive, and I was even now; still afraid that Quinn would look at me with disgust; it wasn’t something I wanted to witness with my own eyes. He raised a gloved hand to my face and wiped away a single tear that slid down my cheek. He felt useless, I was hurting, and he had no idea what to do to help me, perhaps he feared that there was nothing he could do; some things can’t be fixed with words or actions. Some things haunt a person forever, until the day they die.

“My lord, I understand why you chose not to talk to me about this, but what good am I if I cannot serve you, and aid you through times that cause you great distress?”

“How could I have come to you and asked you for help with how worthless I feel? How I fear that I am a disgusting waste of space in your eyes?” I asked in return, my voice low and broken,

“I would never think of you in such a way.” He assured swiftly, “And before you tell me anything, I want you to know that I will never look at you differently. You will always be that woman I married, even if I didn’t know who she really was at the time.” He comforted,

I looked back at him with what could easily be interpreted as surprise or shock; I couldn’t believe it, refused to believe it. How could he say he still loved me? It had to be a trick. He couldn’t still love me after knowing I was already used and discarded. Could he? Is this what love is? The acceptance of circumstances that cannot be changed? I wanted to break down and cry in his arms, but I couldn’t there were things that needed to be said so instead several tears fell silently as my shoulders quivered every so often.

“I-I don’t necessarily want to talk about what happened to me, I know what will happen when I do…I’m going to need time afterwards to forget, and to heal, I’ll need you Malavai.” I said with a saddened seriousness,

Speaking about my past only made me relive it in my mind, and afterwards I always needed to be alone, away from others, away from their looks, and especially their touch, unless _I_ chose to be touched.

“I will be there whenever you need me.” He vowed,

For the first time since our conversation I found myself concerned for how he must feel. Of course I cared that my despicable past would affect him but I never asked him what he thought, or how he felt. I only asked him if he still loved me and that wasn’t the same as asking him how he was feeling. I cared about him too much to not comfort him despite my predicament if he needed me to.

“Quinn…are you okay with me talking about this?” I inquired as I tried to stop the tears that spilled down my cheeks,

He wasn’t sure how to handle the question, “I would be lying if I said I knew what to do in this situation, but as your husband and captain it is my duty as I’ve said to aid you through times of difficulty. As for how I feel I can assure that I am angry and also perturbed that I could not be the one to end your masters’ miserable existences although that right undoubtedly belongs solely to you of course.” He explained,

I found his admission of violence towards my tormentors to be flattering, it showed me with greater depth just how he felt.

“However my lord, I am not sure what you want me to say.”

“I want you to be honest, if you truly do not wish me to speak more of my past beyond the knowledge of my slavery and…I will speak no more of it, I will not force you to do anything, or subject you to something against your will.” I was trying as hard as I could to be brave, but I imagine with how I looked it was a pitiful attempt,

“You’re continued concern for me is appreciated but unnecessary, I have faced down countless enemies with you in battle and I’m not about to turn and run now.”

Again I felt foolish for asking, my insecurities over such trivial matters was always one of the hardest things for me to set aside even if it made no sense to those around me.

I smiled painedly at him before turning to stare out the window and begin my story with the knowledge that Malavai was here by choice not because of duty, “Did you know I was worth a million credits?” I asked with dry sarcasm,

Quinn was noticeably amazed by the amount of my sale price, “That’s…a lot more than I have ever heard paid for any slave.” He attested,

“I was no ordinary slave…”

_A group of children were locked in cages beside a makeshift stage, and one by one they were marched out and lead onto it as the time came for them to be sold. In the very back of the storage facility was where I stood, no older than fourteen. I wore a shock collar around my neck like all the other slaves there, a precaution to deter a rebellious nature, but mine was different. I wore a hooded cloak so no other slaves or buyers could see me before it was time, and under that hood I was dressed in finery. I had some of the most expensive clothes on that could be imagined._

_I had a bodyguard stationed beside me as well, a Rodian with a blaster rifle who surveyed the area for any possible threats, and kept me from potentially escaping. With the way I was treated, the level of care that was required to handle me, one would never suspect that I was indeed a slave and not a master and seller of them._

_Finally as the cages had been emptied of all the other children and various aged slaves, my collar emitted a small shock that was an indication it was my turn to walk on stage. No handlers touched me, it was explicitly against the rules as I had to appear as well behaved as they come. I walked gracefully on stage, I had been taught to walk and act a certain way when it came time for me to be sold and I fell into my role as well as was expected. Despite knowing what I was about to be sold for. An ugly profession that cost many a slaves lives by their very own hand due to what their role entailed._

_My owner, a Devaronian broke the silence as the buyers watched my cloaked form take center stage._

_“And finally my friends, I have saved the best for last, a slave that can compare to no other that you have ever owned or possibly own now.”_

_I took my queue precisely and raised my hands to remove the cloak, the expensive jewelry that I wore revealed as I did so._

_When the cloak was removed and tossed aside the crowd let out a gasp. I stood there and awed the crowd with my beauty._

_I wore a loose fitting dress of exquisite quality fabric that was snow white and decorated with red and gold filigree. It hung off one shoulder, and was sleeveless. It was tied at the waist with a golden braided cord and the skirt was long enough to cover the fine shoes that I wore, that were gold and encrusted with rubies. I wore gold necklaces, one was a decorated cuff that housed my shock collar, a subtle way to keep control over me but hide the ghastly device from the buyer’s eyes. The other was a long gold necklace that hung down just under my chest and was dotted with rubies; they truly spared no expense to dress me in accessories that accented my natural beauty._

_My headpiece was surprisingly simple given my other jewelry but equally as stunning. A thick gold band crossed over my forehead and was attached to the oval flower shaped pieces that covered my ear cones. Multiple gold teardrop shaped pieces hung from the headband and stopped just above my tattooed eyebrows, they swayed slightly in the subtle breeze. My face was adorned with makeup as well, subtle white and gold mixtures for my eye shadow and a rose red for my lips, and darker red shading for my cheeks._

_“This Twi’lek has been groomed since early childhood to be the perfect slave.” He began, “She is fluent in many languages, has a basic understanding of business affairs, can read and write and most importantly has the power of the force, to offer that feeling of taboo to an already exotic slave.” He continued,_

_The crowd seemed especially interested in my force sensitivity._

_“A female consort to take with you on business deals, a small trick of the mind and it will have them handing over whatever you ask for, and no one would be any the wiser with her beauty to distract them.” He reasoned, “But I know that is just a boring detail to an otherwise perfect slave. She can also perform multiple dances and has splendid showmanship, from seedy cantina dancing to exotic styles perhaps some of you have never seen. And the icing on the cake to all of these fine features is that she is yet untouched by another.”_

_The crowd was in an uproar again._

_“A rare alien flower in bloom simply begging to be plucked from the garden. I can personally vouch for her purity and you won’t be disappointed, I’ve ensured she has been taught everything needed to satisfy her master.” He wasn’t shy about his euphemisms or his level of detail, “I can see you are all simply eager, so how about we offer a dance to encourage bidding.” He added, he then gave me a subtle hint and I began a slow and suggestive dance,_

_Once bidding was announced it turned into a mad house, bids were coming in left, right and center. I was desired by everyone, and as I danced on, to encourage them to buy me, I was dying on the inside and doing my best not to cry and ruin my makeup. I was taught from birth to put on a show, an act, a façade, to lie to people and pretend as if I was a woman of steel that wasn’t fazed by anything. Finally the bidding ended at a million credits. I had a price tag, my life was all defined by a price tag, but even then it wasn’t my life, my life belonged to whoever had the most credits._

_“Sold to the fine gentleman in the back.”_

_I couldn’t see the man in the crowd who had bought me, there were too many angry buyer’s annoyed that they missed out on their piece of heaven._

_I was directed off stage and adorned in my deep hooded cloak once more, before being brought to my new master._

_“I thank you for your business my kind sir, and I hope you enjoy her.” I heard the Devaronian saying to my new master that I couldn’t see as I had the hood over my eyes, and from experience I didn’t dare raise my head to sneak a peek,_

_“I will.” The voice of my new master was deep and rough, and I flinched inwardly as he spoke,_

_“Here are the controls to her shock collar, I hid one in the cuff she has around her neck. She’s force sensitive as you know so use it liberally if you have to.” My former master encouraged,_

_“I’ve tangled with a few Jedi in my time I know how to avoid them getting in my head, but I’ll put her talent to good use in my business deals, as you suggested of course.” My buyer assured,_

_“Then everything is in order have a pleasant trip back to Hutta.”_

_When the conversation was over I was lead aboard a transport ship now bound for Hutta…my new home._

_My heart was racing the whole way to Hutta, a constant question in my head asking what my new life was going to be like. My last master had kept me in constant learning, knowing languages, dances, and various other things slaves were required to know to be useful especially since I was being sold with the certification of a sex slave._

“You’re old master treated you well?” Malavai questioned,

He halted my story telling; partially curious as to why so much effort was put into me despite knowing I was sold for forced sex. Considering that I was a slave however and that most owners liked their slaves stupid and docile not learned and spirited, he asked anyway.

“Is that the impression you get?” I asked, as I looked at him angrily almost completely unable to hide that his question perturbed me deeply,

“Not at all.” He affirmed immediately, “It just seems like he put you through a lot of teaching, and trained you well in various things that most slaves never experience, and I’m simply curious as to why.”

I sneered twistedly, “His teaching and constant learning was spent the majority of the time with his finger on that damn button to my collar. I was a child…what did he expect of me when I didn’t understand something? When I missed a step in a dance routine, or when I fell over during the dance? I wish I could have watched him die. He knew he couldn’t hit me because it would lower my value so he made sure he hurt me in ways that wouldn’t show on the outside.”

I stared at the floor and Quinn looked at me as he caressed my knuckles again, assuring me he was there.

“He wanted me to be perfect to fetch him a higher price. Everything he did, all the credits he poured into me to train me was so he could earn a profit from his flesh trade.” I spat,

_When we all arrived on Hutta, he ordered his other slaves to take my cloak from me, and lead me to his master bedroom. When he left us I quickly turned to the slaves next to me to encourage an escape._

_“Listen, I’m force sensitive, I can help us all escape, help me and you won’t have to endure anything from him again.” I reasoned, as I addressed the slaves of the house,_

_One raised a hand to hit me but stopped herself, “Look at me.” The Twi’lek said as she lifted her shirt to show the scars on her back that were hidden, “If you think you can escape you have another thing coming, he doesn’t kill his slaves…he tortures them. If you know what’s good for you, you’ve lie down, open your legs and let him do whatever he wants so you can at least save yourself some pain if nothing else.”_

_There was a fire of rebelliousness in my eyes that the lead slave noticed, “I know that look, I too used to be like you, but trust me if you don’t kill that fire inside your heart, he’ll do it for you.”_

_They walked me to the master bedroom and the blue Twi’lek spoke again, “Let me guess, you’re a virgin aren’t you?”_

_I didn’t respond because I was shy, what was I supposed to say?_

_“Well…you’re going to be his new plaything for a while then, just as I was and every other girl here. Usually he uses a lubricant during sex, so you should be spared any unnecessary pain. Did your former master teach you what would happen when you were sold?”_

_“I know…what sex entails if that’s what you mean.” I replied, everything was suddenly becoming too real,_

_“Good, that’s a start. Did they teach you anything else? Like different positions and how to pleasure a man by other means than with your vagina?”_

_I hesitated as I recalled the personal lessons the Devaronian had given me. Showing me different things as he fucked one of his own slaves, making the slave use every position so it could be demonstrated to me. He made his slave do so many things on a regular basis until I knew exactly what she was doing. By the time my private lessons where over I knew every trick in the book and every detail there was to know about how a woman should please a man._

_“My former master made sure I knew it all by heart, I know how to satisfy a man.” I said snidely,_

_“Then if you handle yourself right, it shouldn’t go too badly for you. Since it will be your first time, do your best to control your fear, he gets off on it, and for your sake don’t fight, he finds that more appealing, since he’ll want to rape you after all. He’s rougher when he realizes he can force himself on you rather than you letting him fuck you.” The Twi’lek explained as we walked, “How old are you?”_

_“I’m fourteen.”_

_“You’re the youngest so far…” The Twi’lek sighed, “When he’s done with you he’ll send for us and get us to clean you up, so I hope you didn’t have any dignity left because it’s all about to be squeezed out of you.”_

_We stopped at a large door and it slid open; the Twi’lek instructed me to walk inside, and as she was about to close the door behind her she turned to me one last time, “Remember what I told you. You’ll hate it all, we all do, but it’s better to save yourself from what pain you can and endure the rest.” She then left me by myself,_

_While I waited for my master and the inevitable I looked around. Despite being on Hutta, his house was luxurious in design._

_I looked for an escape route, as my first priority but there were bars on the windows from outside. He was a cautious man whoever he was. I had not yet seen my new master and I would have guessed I had been bought by a Hutt, only he didn’t sound like one and he most certainly had two legs._

_I fumbled nervously with my hands as I waited._

_This was it._

_At only fourteen years old I was going to be used as a sex slave. It had been spelled out in my job description as the Devaronian had made that clear if all my sexual training beforehand didn’t already. I wanted to cry, scream and vomit all at the same time with how distressed and trapped I felt as if the walls themselves were closing in on me and pinned me on the spot, constricting my chest. I wasn’t made to wait long for my new master as he walked in the door dressed extremely loosely in what I interpreted to be his casual attire._

_He was a Zabrak, he was a red brown skin tone and his face and body that I could see were covered in a myriad of tattoos. He was a large man, much taller than me and I came to his chest in height. He walked over to me and brushed a thumb down my face that I turned away from as it made my skin crawl._

_I was already ignoring the advice given to me by the lead slave in the house but it was much harder than I could have imagined to just stand there and let him have his way._

_He chuckled, “Listen, I paid good credits for you, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way, I don’t care. Personally I would prefer the hard way but I will be getting what I bought regardless.”_

_I looked at him with a look that could kill, my slave façade was gone. I was sold; there seemed no point in continuing the charade._

_“So you do have a fire in those blue eyes; good, I hate simple minded slaves, you’re too easy to break.” He walked past me and towards the bed,_

_He started undressing behind me, “Take off your jewelry, I don’t want it getting ruined on a slave like you.” He ordered,_

_I complied and removed my rings, headpiece, shoes, and necklace; I wasn’t able to remove the slave collar, so the cuff remained. I turned around to see him completely naked, and I turned away. I hated seeing men naked after my former master had instilled his form into my mind forever._

_“Come here.” He ordered, but I didn’t move, I felt rooted on the spot,_

_“I said come here.” He repeated, as he held down the button to my slave collar, delivering a shock that had me reaching for my throat, “I told you it was the easy way or the hard way, I don’t care how many times I have to use this, but try to make sure I don’t have to do anything to ruin the beauty I paid for.” He lifted his finger from the button and I breathed heavily,_

_“You sick bastard…I will never do anything you want!” I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit I had been warned against,_

_“Have it your way.”_

_He remained as calm and ruthless as ever, as he held down the button to my collar again for a lengthy amount of time. He held it down until I was on my knees and begging for the pain to stop. He finally took his finger off the button and I was gasping for air hoarsely and clutching my throat. He leaned down and grabbed the fabric of my dress and yanked me to my feet so I could look him in the eyes._

_“I was never going to be a gentleman, but now I’m going to fuck you bloody little girl…and while I am, remember that I told you, you had a choice and you chose to do it the hard way.”_

_I reached out to hit him in the face but as I did, he threw me onto the bed and swiftly followed after me. He pinned my wrists against the bed with one large hand, and I struggled to fight him off. I tried to kick him away but my long skirt had caught my legs in it and I was defenseless._

_“You have a nice dress but I can afford to get another one.” He sneered, before he used his other hand to tear the dress off me leaving me exposed,_

_The fabric tore in sections and it took several more painful attempts before the dress was completely torn off my body._

_“Let me go!” I screamed breathlessly, I still hadn’t recovered from the shock and I was weak,_

_“Oh please scream, nobody in this house is going to save you.” He said sickeningly, indicating that he got off on my cries for help and that the salve’s warnings were true,_

_I always knew this was my fate, but I wasn’t ready for it to be like this. I didn’t want to be a slave and I didn’t want to be raped, but my options were gone and he had overpowered me, there was nothing I could do to save myself. I cried effortlessly and hoarsely, I was about to be violated by a disgusting excuse for a Zabrak and there was no hope, no help, and no escape._

_He ripped off my panties, the only article of clothing I had left and I locked my legs together in a useless last ditch attempt to save some of my dignity._

_“I don’t have the patience for this.” He muttered,_

_He then used both his hands to bind mine in the manacles he had attached to his bed; it seemed that he was so used to raping women that even his bed was altered to chain the more spirited slaves. I struggled against my new bindings as he gripped my knees, and I suddenly stopped to look at him and see what he was about to do._

_“Please! No! I’m sorry, just don’t…I’m begging you!” My voice was raspy and desperate,_

_“And to think I was going to use an aide, but now, I think it would be best for you to feel me completely, and if your previous master wasn’t lying, this is going to feel fucking amazing.”_

_“No! Please!” I continued to scream, as I struggled relentlessly against my bindings, blood starting to seep from freshly made wounds,_

_The Devaronian hadn’t lied about anything, and I was quite gifted in the force even though I was untrained._

_He suddenly forced my legs apart and I shrieked in pain. I could then feel him rubbing against me and I wanted to be sick. He slowly pushed into me and I exhaled a pained breath. Inch by painful inch he forced himself into me until he had pushed his full length inside. I soon felt wet and a searing sensation I had never felt before, a pain that was unfamiliar to me._

_I was scared, what had he done to me? I looked up at him in fear; the tears I shed were still falling._

_“That feeling...” He began as he breathed waveringly in pleasure, “That’s your blood…it seems your master wasn’t lying…and fuck you are so tight.”_

_“Does it hurt? With your age and how small you are it must be quite the ordeal.” He mockingly feigned concern,_

_I nodded frantically and cried aloud._

_“Good.” He said cruelly,_

_He moved to hold my hips and pulled me into his lap, “I’d hold on if I were you, now the fun begins.”_

_After his heartless warning, his grip on my hips tightened and he pulled out of me swiftly only to force himself back in with the same speed and I screamed in response. He adopted a fast paced rhythm and soon the wet, slapping sound of flesh on flesh was mingled into the mixture of his moans of pleasure and my cries of utter pain and agony. My insides were on fire, the pain I was experiencing was unimaginable. He was too big for me and without the use of an aide during intercourse I could feel myself tearing under the relentless assault._

_It was too much too fast, and I screamed without restraint, my cries fuelled his excitement and pleasure of a new plaything; he was as twisted as they come. The rocking back and forth with such force was making me nauseous, adding to the already sick feeling I had in the pit of her stomach. I was being defiled by a monster and all the while I was screaming, a constant plea for help, to be rescued from this nightmare, but what he said was true, no one in his house would care._

_I was alone, and no one was coming to save me from my fate._


	4. Four Fucking Years...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sordid past of the warrior continues, but how much worse can it get?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the huge delay...things got crazy over Christmas/New Year.  
> As per my past chapter notes, old chapters have been updated to suit later content that I have written so if you are not familiar with what I have changed then I suggest re-reading. If not that is your choice.
> 
> This chapter is basically ambiguous, along with more non-con, so there is your chapter warning again regardless of the fact that the last chapter was non-con as well.
> 
> Also a heads up this chapter might be edited at a later date as well depending on if I add anything else to the later chapters(at this point in time the story has been completed) so you have been forewarned on that as well.
> 
> Enjoy!

Finally he knew, he knew a semblance of my past, the torture…and so much more than I truly wished to share.

Malavai watched as I moved my legs unconsciously tighter together under my skirt, the sign of my memories haunting me as I recalled my past.

He squeezed my hand, “You don’t have to continue.”

I ignored his words as I had entered into a disconnected state, and I was detached from my emotions, “It didn’t take him long to ignore my beauty and give me scars.” I said, as I lifted my left hand to stroke a line from the corner of my mouth to my ear cone,

Malavai was curious about my mentioning I had scars because I didn’t have them now, which would imply I had them surgically removed.

“How long were you there?” He dared to ask,

“Four years…four grueling fucking years. And he used me almost every day of those four years unless he was called away on business, even after I…” I hesitated, this was another specific memory I wished I could forget,

“After you what?” He leaned down slightly to look into my face as I paused mid-sentence,

I shifted on the bed uncomfortably; being brought back to reality, “He wanted me to…use my mouth to…pleasure him.” I stuttered, “And I…I bit him…on the…”

I didn’t finish, I couldn’t.

Having a conversation with my husband about pleasing another man felt utterly wrong, and how filthy I felt since I was forced to do it didn’t help either.

Quinn put his thumb and middle finger on his temples, rubbing them across his eyes and pinching his nose, this was affecting him more than he could have ever imagined, so he didn’t even dare to fathom how I was feeling.

“That’s how I got my scars, he put a bit in my mouth for months after that…incident, and it cut into my face, leaving rather large scars.” I explained,

“You had them surgically removed?” He asked,

“No.”

Quinn was confused, “Then he did?”

“No, a Sith Lord had them removed.” I answered, “After those years, I was taken to the academy because I was force sensitive.”

“You’re master sent you to Korriban?”

I huffed a forced laugh, “No, he didn’t, he was too busy being dead.”

“What happened?” He questioned,

“A Sith lord found out that he was keeping a force sensitive slave at his home and killed him along with all the other slaves, I was the only one to make it out of that house alive. And even though it may seem heartless, I’m glad they’re dead. Out of all the slaves he owned he treated me the best out of all of them, despite the horrors he inflicted because he wanted to retain some of my beauty. Some of the other slaves were disfigured and even missing some of their lekku making them brain-dead.”

“Forgive my ignorance my lord, but I had no idea that lekku was as important as that.” He admitted,

I was surprised that he didn’t know this, “Quinn, have you truly never noticed how I’ve reacted when you’ve gently stroked my lekku as you do so often? I thought that was why you did it, or do you just like it that much?”

He seemed to redden at my words, as if he was a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

It was inappropriate to tease him given the situation so I was serious with my response, “Don’t be ashamed of taking pleasure in my alien features Quinn, I belong to you.”

“You do not belong to me; indeed you do not belong to anyone and never will again.” He stated,

He was a man of many surprises; I was enjoying being made able to witness them.

I hunched over slightly and used my free arm to hug myself, “Now where was I? Oh yes…that’s right…”

_It was midday and a number of slaves were attending to our master’s meal and serving his various male guests that he had invited for the evening. A few of them danced before our master and we were all dressed in traditional slave attire that allowed nothing to the imagination. One of the girls was on hands and knees under the table acting as her master’s foot rest, one was feeding him herself, and another was using a large feathered fan to keep him comfortable. I however could be considered a main attraction for my rebelliousness knew no bounds regardless of whether I should have been used to his abuses and fallen into my role at this point. I had been here for almost four years and had suffered everything he thought fit to throw at me for mere entertainment, and his sick satisfaction._

_After an incident that transpired during one of the times my master sought to push himself on me and I used the force to attack him._

_After that I was given another position in his household._

_Of course I was still his favorite and he saved the ‘best’ of everything for me, he had no qualms about showing me off to others however, letting them taste some of what he owned. In a corner of the room that was strewn with cushions and comforts; I was chained to the wall by my wrists and two of the male guests that were invited by my master were thoroughly enjoying having their way with me at once as a constant stream of low level electricity coursed through me rhythmically._

_This specific treatment had begun during the last year of my time on Hutta, I crossed a line with my master and he wanted me to know that he didn’t care how many people went through me and how rough they were with me to teach me a lesson. At this specific point in time I couldn’t even count how many it had been, various races, various sizes and colors, it was all a blur of painful memories now. Some of them were only interested in getting what they wanted while others were interested in making me scream, seeing how much pain they could inflict before I was broken at their hands. But unbeknownst to them I was already teetering on the fine line of being a mindless husk after everything my master had already done to me._

_I don’t know what kept me from breaking, but there was still a small flicker of light in my heart that stubbornly refused to die._

_I had disconnected myself from what was happening and was paying attention instead to everything else that was going on around me, it was then that I felt something strange, something I had never felt before but it was undeniable. Someone or something was heading this way and I felt a connection? I didn’t know who or what it was but I could feel that it was there and surely enough as everything around me continued as if there was not a care to be had in the galaxy, a sith lord and his entourage of lesser sith strolled into the main area._

_He seemed to know my master or at least that was the impression I got from the greeting, “Stakroa…enjoying slavery’s finer qualities as always I see.”_

_My master and the men on top of me turned fearfully on a moment’s notice, and instantly stopped what they were doing to rise to their feet and present themselves before the unannounced sith. I was happy for the diversion and righted myself against the wall to watch the display._

_“My lord…what are you doing here?” Stakroa asked hesitantly, his deep voice straining as he retained his composure,_

_“I’m here on business, and you are that business.” The burly sith lord replied,_

_I took the chance to get a better look at the man as I straightened the small amount of clothing I had left to cover my nakedness. He had red eyes and his skin was pale and corrupted, there was no doubt this man had fallen hard to the dark side and all that it offered. His lackeys that were with him were all younger than him by far, and it seemed plausible that they could be his apprentices or something of the like, I wasn’t entirely sure. They wore what I assumed was standard attire for the sith but the lord himself wore bulky armor with multiple spikes on the shoulders and gloves._

_“Whatever do you mean my lord, I was not sent word that you would have need of my services.” The Zabrak responded, as he dismissed the remainder of his slaves that quickly scuttled away,_

_My master noticed the silent commands given to the lesser sith as they covered escape routes, I could feel that this was not going to end well, it seemed my connection to the force was heightening. I could feel the fear in the two men who were previously enjoying me, this was an exotic feeling and I was savoring the experience._

_“We’ve had reports that you are keeping a gifted slave here, you know what happened to all your rivals when they sought to cross us, what made you think you could hide this from me or the academy?” The burly sith asked threateningly,_

_“My lord she is hardly worth the effort, and she’s not even human she has no place among the sith.” My master was bold to say the least,_

_The lord used the force from across the room to lift my master into the air as he systematically began chocking the life out of him, “You dare tell me what should and shouldn’t become sith?” He demanded, “We are trying to bolster our numbers after coming back from the brink of extinction, I do not care if this slave is an alien I only care that she has the hate in her heart to rise in the ranks and further our fight against the republic.”_

_“My lord…forgive…me.” My master begged, this was a sight I had long waited for,_

_“We no longer require your services, and effective immediately we’re retiring you.” The lord then crushed my masters throat with the force and dropped him to the ground,_

_The two men in front of me were petrified, fearful of what was to happen to them, the lord then looked at them, “How many of you are in this place?” He asked,_

_“Th-Three my lord, they are elsewhere in the house.” The Rattataki practically soiled himself as he addressed the sith,_

_The lord turned to his entourage, “Find the force sensitive and kill everyone else here, you can enjoy the slaves first however if you so choose.” The lesser sith bowed before taking off to do as they were instructed,_

_The two men before me however squeaked in fear before running away to save themselves, but the sounds of ignited sabers and screams signified that the men didn’t make it very far. Screams from my fellow slaves were soon to be heard from throughout the house as I listened intently to the carnage that sith were capable of dishing out. I then turned my attention back to the sith lord who now stood before me giving me his full attention._

_“What are you looking at?” I spat as I continued to convulse sporadically from the persistent current, “If you’re going to have a go I suggest you get on with it, as long as you don’t mind a little shock.” I said almost daring him,_

_His mouth curled into a sick smile, “So you’re the force sensitive slave…interesting.”_

_I didn’t care for him or what he had to say and I spat at his feet, which made him laugh._

_“I can feel your fear, your pain and your anger. Anger at not being able to kill your former master I suspect…but If you want revenge on me young one you’ll have to become sith to take my life.” He sneered,_

_“If so I’ll make you choke on your words.” I returned just as cruelly,_

_“Perhaps you will, but first I’ll give you something to choke on.” He began unfastening his belt, fully intent on making good on what I had said earlier as he then held himself over me, pinning me down,_

_He watched me give him a look that could kill, “I’ll give you some incentive to come find me when you’re no longer a mere slave.”_

Quinn interrupted my story yet again, I imagine he didn’t want to hear anymore, and especially didn’t want me to detail another moment of my being raped either.

“Was it _this_ sith lord, that had your scars removed?”

“No, this happened at the academy.” I answered,

“Why would a Sith lord at the academy have your scars removed?” Quinn asked,

I looked at the floor uncomfortably, “He did more than just that, I was at the academy for about two or three years, he pushed me up the chain rather quickly, it only took me two more years after that before Darth Baras took notice of me. He made me Sith.”

“What did you do?” Quinn immediately hated himself for having asked,

“Despite the scars that I had, I was still beautiful to those around me. After those few years he arrived as a new overseer because the previous man was replaced. Almost immediately he took an interest in me, and after our first lesson together he invited me to his chambers in the academy. He explained the amount of power he had over my trials and success there, and I was frightened. My whole life had been thrown upside-down for four years, and when I was at the academy they made me do horrible things. I thought I was going to die.” I explained, “I will never tell you what I was forced to do on the path to becoming Sith.”

“I will never ask, my lord.”

I took a breath before continuing my story, “He offered me an easier way to becoming Sith if I would…service him.”

“And you did?”

I couldn’t look at him as I turned and bit my lip, the fresh tears running down my cheeks, “Yes. I let him use me as a whore…” I cried harder, “Every time he called on me I went to him, I did this to myself, I was so scared, I didn’t want to die and I didn’t know what to do. I can’t live with what I did, you have no idea how much this kills me.”

I took my hand out of his and gripped the sides of my head, rocking back and forth on the bed. He was hesitant at first but then leaned in and pulled me to his chest and held me loosely.

_“So what do you think? I do you a favor and you do me a favor? Are we in agreeance?” The overseer asked,_

_I stood there for what seemed to be an eternity, “Yes, we have an agreement.” I answered hoarsely,_

_“Good, good, you won’t regret it.”_

_The overseer walked closer and took my training sabre, putting it on his desk he leaned in and kissed me on the neck. I stood there rigidly at first; I was used to this after four years living with my former master but that didn’t change how I felt and how much I hated it. He slid a bare hand down my pants and began to stroke me while using his other hand to remove my clothes. I felt the bile rising in my throat, I was going to be sick but I had to control myself. I had to do this, I had to spare myself any more time with the Overseers in their game._

_When he had finally removed my clothes and I was naked he moved back to have a better look at me, “You’re more beautiful than I imagined.” He breathed,_

_He couldn’t stand waiting any longer and soon he made to remove his pants. I stroked her body seductively as I waited for him to discard his clothes, and he watched me constantly while he did so, becoming more and more aroused with every movement I made. When he was finally done with the task I went down onto my knees and moved towards his fully erect member, before gripping it with both my hands gently. He let out a breath as I slowly begun moving my hands back and forth before putting my mouth around the head. I sucked slowly and worked my tongue skillfully making him hiss and moan in ecstasy. My motions were slow and torturing, I was sending him into a frenzy and he had to have his release that I was dangling in front of him._

_He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me off his dick to my feet. He put my arms around his neck before he bent over slightly and lifted me up by the thighs as I held onto his shoulders. I looked longingly into his eyes as he groaned from the ceasing of attention he had previously received but he didn’t wait long before he slowly slid into me and let out a rushed breath. I breathed heavily as the taste in my mouth threatened me further and memories of a past flooded back._

_My acting had done its job and there was no stopping him now, his course was set. He began to thrust into me slowly, a sporadic rhythm being assumed as I moved with him to push down harder on his member. It wasn’t enough however and so he walked us over to his desk and laid me down on it, he held himself over me and proceeded to thrust enthusiastically. He moved his hands to fondle my breasts and pinch my nipples which caused me to moan and excite him more as he quickened his pace the closer he got to climax. With one final thrust he came inside me and I let out a breath as he claimed my mouth, his tongue roaming._

_He continued to kiss my lips and trail them down my neck and stopped at my navel when his holocom started beeping._

_He ordered me to take my clothes and hide behind his desk; I quickly obeyed as he got dressed._

_I waited for the call to end before coming out from hiding._

_“I hate to cut this liaison short but I’m needed elsewhere in the academy, we’ll meet again soon, and when we do I’ll take you to have those scars removed. You’re too beautiful to have them marring your face.” He said, his tone was sleazy, but I knew what I had gotten herself into, “Get dressed and leave, preferably unnoticed.” He added, before he left his chambers,_

I continued to rock slightly in Malavai’s arms, “I let him use me for years…” I cried, “I was weak and it makes me sick.”

He hushed me and stroked my lekku like he had done previously, “You did what you had to to survive, never hate yourself for that. We do things we hate and would otherwise never do to survive, to make it in this galaxy.” He assured,

“You don’t understand. I was raped for four years…I hated the touch of another man. I felt like I was going to throw up whenever someone touched me…but I was terrified and I gave myself to him with no thought at all.” I gripped his uniform into my fists,

He didn’t know what to tell me, he didn’t know what he could say to make me feel better; and deep down despite how much it hurt him to think of it. I’m sure he knew there was nothing he could say to ease my mind.

“The overseers made us play games with the other former slave acolytes, and I did things that I can’t forget, things that were worse than when I was a slave even though I wanted to die every time my master forced himself onto me. I wished for death, I begged for it, and at times I even begged him to kill me. So instead of being made to play those games anymore I allowed the overseer to fuck me…I did everything he asked, like a good little slave. I served him better than any master I had.” My grip on his uniform was starting to hurt his back as I cried harder against his chest, “I hated everything that people like him wanted from me and yet when I was faced with that decision I gave in. All because I was afraid to be chosen next.”

“You could have died had you not accepted his offer.” Quinn reasoned,

“It would have been better if I had of died, if they had of killed me, I don’t want to live. I want to die Malavai. Every day of my life is spent begging for death and considering killing myself. The things I’ve done, the blood on my hands, the things I allowed others to do to me because I was too weak to fight. I look at my sabre and realize how easy it would be.”

He drew back from me and took hold of my chin, forcing me to look up into his face.

“Don’t ever say that again.” He said firmly,

“But…”

“Don’t. I love you and I don’t want to hear the women I love tell me she wants to kill herself. When you feel like that, come to me, no matter what I’m doing. No matter what is said and done, if we argue the situation between us doesn’t matter, if you ever feel like you want to die, come to me and I will protect you.” He said, then pulling me to his chest again and resting his cheek on my head, “I don’t want to lose you.”

My tears never seemed to end, “I’ve waited my whole life for someone to tell me that, but is it true?” I asked,

A simplistic truth that I couldn’t let myself have and I questioned it as if it were a lie. The words he spoke couldn’t be true. How could they be true? I was a worthless slave and unworthy of love.

“Yes Millfa, it’s true.”

I wrapped my arms around his back again and held him tightly, “Please don’t go to your office today Quinn, I need you…stay with me.”

“Of course.”

He kissed my forehead softly, he had no idea what a life with me was going to be like, especially now, but come what may he would do his best to shield me from whatever sought to do me harm. His devotion as a husband had reached new heights, and his duties as my Captain were given a new purpose. He knew the sordid past I had endured and it hadn’t done anything to change the way he looked at me, the way he loved me.

Without knowing it, I had become his Empire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also if anyone wants to speculate what those "Sith Games" are, I can offer some food for thought by mentioning the movie Se7en, because it has a rather interesting 'contraption' in it, and if you have some theories as to what could have gone on, please add them in a comment.  
> I love hearing theories!


	5. Say You'll Love Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malavai has obliged and stayed with the Warrior after she had detailed her past to him with painful explicity...will they both be able to move past this shocking revelation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...*ahem*...how about that absence huh?  
> Anyway here is the final chapter to the story before I continue writing the other stories in the series, the next one is a one-shot but I have the 3rd story to write first, and that will all make sense when you finally read it so bear with me a little longer please ^_^'

*******

  
Malavai stayed with me for what seemed like hours, and for all I know it may well have been.

I was in pain.

I was tortured.

And I clung to my only saving grace for all I was worth.

I wanted to push him away and hold him close all at once. His touch haunted me, but I needed it, wanted it. I needed to know that he was next to me, or else I fear that I might just give up. How could he love me? How could anyone love me? I’ve said this to myself so many times that I feel more like I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t deserve these things rather than actually knowing it. But it is simply something I can never accept, no matter how many times he tells me or how many times anyone else tells me, I will never believe I am good enough.

For love…for anything.

This festering darkness within me that dogs me wherever I go, I will never be rid of it, and this will not be the last time I force myself to remember that I am worthless. They say time heals every wound, but scars remain, scars never leave. Can I never have a simple moment to myself, simply to enjoy what others have done for me? To accept that Quinn can love a creature like me? Sullied and destroyed by another’s touch as I am he loves me and right now he’s holding me; making sure I can feel that this is true, and yet I keep myself from love.

Can anyone truly understand how I feel? Or am I alone in this galaxy?

I wish Quinn would move, or say something, anything. I want him to drag me from my wallowing and distract me, stop me from letting my mind sabotage everything I have, as it’s always done and will no doubt continue to do.

He flexes an undoubtedly cramped muscle and I grip him tighter, afraid that he is going to leave. I want to speak, to tell him how I feel but how can you put this into words? Are there even words to describe what I am feeling?

My most private place throbs methodically and I rub my legs together tightly. I feel as if I am being raped regardless of the fact that no one is here but Malavai. The ghostly pains and feelings that seem too real haunt me now. This is what it is always like after I speak about my life. It can be like this for hours after I’ve had a nightmare or my mind has been called to play the most intimate details of my past before my eyes.

I feel a gentle hand come to rest on my thigh, “Is it always like this?” He dares to ask just above a whisper,

“Yes.” I replied shakily,

“Talk to me.”

“I feel as if a man is inside of me, it hurts and I feel uncomfortable.” I breathed,

“What can I do to help?”

“There is nothing you can do, just be here with me and it will pass, like it always does.” I explained,

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for how much I pushed you in the past; I had no idea what it was like for you. Had I known I would never have persisted as I did, instead I realized too late that you were avoiding me, and that my advances were not welcome.” He apologized,

“Quinn…let me explain.”

“You don’t have to, I understand now.” He dismissed,

“Just listen.” I insisted,

This may have been a weird time to tell him this considering what we just talked about, but I needed the distraction from my current feelings. I was swiftly reaching the point where I felt as if I needed to rip my own skin off to be free from what I was experiencing.

“I said this before…I want to be with you Quinn, in every sense of the word. But…as you now know, I am afraid. I’m afraid of so many things that prevent me from being with you.” I drew away from his embrace and rested my hands in my lap,

I subtly pushed against my crotch hoping to force these feelings to leave, but as always it did nothing.

I watched as he rested his elbows on his thighs, all the while looking back at me, studying my face. Reading me like an open book, and I was, all my emotions were on an intimate display before him. I questioned what he was feeling, what he was thinking. He was watching me, the way I acted, my reactions to remembering my life; he held me as I broke down, and even now listening to the hitched breaths I drew from crying my eyes out previously. My hands were balled into fists so tightly that my knuckles had gone a paler yellow, and he noticed that too, I know he did because I watched as his brows contorted further as he studied me.

So what was he thinking? Did he pity me? I knew this information was hurting him but what was his response to all of this? I liked knowing what people were thinking. I had to be the one in control of every situation, I had to be in control of my own life for a change, but for Quinn I gave him the rare privilege of seeing me weak. No one else could see this side of me, perhaps Jaesa knew of it but she hadn’t touched on it. She could sense the pain in me and the rare kindness as well that lead to her joining me to make a change to the Empire but that was all.

My eyes fell to my lap as I shifted again uncomfortably.

“You’re afraid that you’ll hate being with me, because you’ve never had a chance to…enjoy what it can offer.” Malavai broke the silence and startled me with his words,

He was right. I was afraid that his touch would cause me pain, would bring up painful memories.

“Yes…” I cleared my throat, “Every memory I have of those times…how could I ever assume that being with you would be different?”

He thought about it for a while, “You love me, don’t you?” He asked,

“Of course I do!” I answered so quickly and energetically that I made myself blush despite the situation we were both in,

He huffed a small laugh at my response and smirked, “And you’ve said it yourself that you want to be with me, so shouldn’t that mean you want this?”

My mind was freezing up again from his words. I had said many times that I wanted to be in control of all situations but being faced with a choice that I have never been offered before, scared me.

“I…”

“What is it?” Quinn asked,

“It’s not just that I’ve never had a good memory with intimacy, it’s also because I’ve never been faced with a choice before. As a slave people simply took what they wanted from me, and I wasn’t given an option.” I explained,

“You know I would never treat you that way, I would never do anything that hurt you or could even come close to it.” He assured,

I took my right hand from my lap and brushed his face gently with it, “I know Quinn and I want you to know that despite my insecurities I do trust you, truly.” I shifted on the bed so I could lean on his arm,

“I promise I’ll get better.” I whispered,

“It doesn’t bother me Millfa, I’ll be here for as long as I am needed, and that will never change.”

I smiled weakly as I looked out the window that was skewed by the pouring rain, “Do you think it would be that different?”

“That depends on you and what you want.” He replied,

“What do you mean?”

“With…everything you’ve told me, there have to be things you don’t want me to do. Things that would bring you back to those times and destroy everything between us.” He reasoned,

He was right, there were a number of things that I didn’t want him to do if we were to be intimate, “You’re right, but the most obvious response I can give you is that I need to be in control. I need to test everything, know if I’m okay with it, set the pace to make sure we’re not moving too fast.”

“Of course, that goes without saying my lord.” He agreed,

I’m not entirely sure why we’re having this conversation now. I’d have thought that this was a talk best had at a later date but truthfully it wasn’t one I wanted to have before we were together because it would ruin the mood. Honestly I was mostly fine now after what I had discussed before, and it was directly related to the conversation so I didn’t see a reason why we shouldn’t.

“Don’t hold me down either, if you can avoid holding me or griping me at all that would be best.” I continued,

“I see.” He breathed,

“I don’t mean that you can’t hold me at all, I’m mostly asking that you don’t use it as a means to trap me, because I might snap again, and since I am sith I might use the force by accident.” I elaborated,

He nodded understandingly and I was beginning to tense up, he was mulling over his options at this very moment, trying to identify what was acceptable and what was not. I felt giddy and nervous that he was putting effort into considering what I was saying.

“As for what you say, I think you should be able to figure out what I don’t want said to me. I don’t want to feel like a whore when I’m with you; I want to feel like you love me and respect me.” I mentioned, “Everyone else made me feel like a slave, constantly reminding me of what I was and that I didn’t deserve any respect and that I should be taken as the common bitch I was.”

“I haven’t made you feel like that yet, and I never will.”

He was right, and I wanted to explain that but it was harder than seemed reasonable, “I don’t want to sound like I’m repeating myself…even though I am, but I know you wouldn’t do that Quinn. I’m just scared, and I can’t even give you any specific reasons why I’m scared, it’s irrational and I’m stupid for it I know but I just can’t get it out of my head.” I said, chiding myself,

“Don’t talk yourself down; you’re so much more and better than that.” He said softly,

“I wish I could believe that Malavai, I really do…but I don’t think I ever can.” I sighed,

“Then I’ll keep telling you you’re beautiful and strong, until you do believe it.” He insisted,

“I wouldn’t mind that.” I smiled,

“Good.”

I drew in a deep breath before I continued my serious conversation, “As you know I’ve been with many men in my life before I met you, and I know how they can act.” I had to choose my next words carefully as not to offend Quinn, “I’ve seen them overcome by desire when they reached a certain point, they always treated me roughly, sometimes I would…bleed…they didn’t care about me during sex, they only cared about themselves and getting what they wanted. Can you promise you won’t be like that?”

Quinn turned on the bed to face me better, “Millfa…” He cupped my cheek with his large hand and I leant into the touch, “I’m sorry those things happened to you, and I promise you that I will never lose myself and hurt you like that, you have my word.”

I studied his face for the sign of a lie, that what he was saying was hiding a darker intent but there was nothing to be found there, “That means a lot to me, thank you.”

That was a small weight off my chest at least.

“It occurred to me that you have never even seen me naked since we were married, although that might have something to do with the fact that we’ve never slept together because I was afraid you would find out about my nightmares…”

“How long have these nightmares been going on and how often?” He questioned,

“I’ve had these nightmares since Korriban, but they don’t happen all the time, some nights are better than others. I think by now you know why I’ve never told you about this.” I mentioned,

Malavai placed a gentle hand over mine that I was resting on the covers before he looked at me seriously, “Have you considered that having me by your side while you sleep might stop these nightmares?” He asked,

He had a good point. I hadn’t stopped to consider that having the man I loved beside me while I slept to watch over and protect me might actually stop my nightmares or at the very least make them less frequent.

“Perhaps my presence in your bed would make you feel safe, knowing that I was right beside you had you ever need of me. Of course I would presume nothing and it is your choice after all and if you so desire for us to remain separate then I shall conform to your wishes.”

“I had never considered that us sleeping together would help put an end to my nightmares or at least hinder them…I was too afraid of what that might imply, and not only that but it’s already bad enough that the crew knows we’re married.” I admitted,

It did bother me that the entire crew was aware of it.

“Why?” Quinn was puzzled,

“Because they might think we’re…ya know.” For all my risqué actions and flirtations this was still a topic that gave me pause when it came to the man I loved,

“But we’re not.” He stated,

“Exactly, and the last thing I want my crew to think about is us in the throes of passion.” I was clearly blushing and not ashamed either because I was always bothered by what people thought I did with my husband when we were alone,

Quinn pondered what I had said for a moment, “It’s not something I want them thinking about you either, especially Pierce.” He agreed,

We looked at each other for a moment as we both silently agreed that we hated Pierce thinking about it the most, because we both shared a distaste for the man.

I returned us to the topic at hand however.

“I do want us to try sleeping together to see if it helps…but if the time ever arises I should warn you that when you do see me fully…I have scars in places that I never dared to have corrected with surgery.”

He furrowed his brow as he listened intently.

“Some of those scars were added to by the Overseer in the academy, but most were from my former master and his guests.” I continued,

“You having scars doesn’t bother me Millfa.”

“It’s not so much that I have scars, I’m used to them by now…it’s where they are that bothers me, and I’m not sure how you’ll feel about it.”

He gave me a look that signified he didn’t dare ask where, so I gave him a look back that let him know what he was assuming was indeed true. He swiftly turned to face the window, taking a deep breath and exhaling it before he turned back to me.

I stared to panic again so easily and I was about to defend myself but he silenced me, “The fact that you have scars and where they are does not bother me, what bothers me is that I cannot kill these men myself and watch them die for what they’ve done.” He explained, calming me down again,

“The wounds healed after I was sent to the academy, but there was irreversible damage even then. I spent some time in a kolto tank and it helped but never fully healed them, they were also opened at a later time when I started seeing the Overseer. It used to cause me discomfort but much time has passed, and I’m fine now, it’s just that I will forever bare the mark of what they’ve done to me.”

‘You’re sure?” He questioned, “It won’t put you at risk if we ever…?”

“I am…and it won’t…I just had to make sure you knew beforehand.” I assured, “It was also something I was afraid of. I wasn’t sure what you would do once you found out.”

He placed a feather light kiss on my head to assure me all was well.

“It’s hard to predict how you will react to things I say since I am so used to people not even thinking of me as person but rather a tool to be used. Having these fears and trying to communicate them to you will take time to work out completely since I myself don’t even know how to begin.”

“You only need say what you feel, the first thing that comes to mind.”

“Fear…it’s always fear. I’m afraid you’ll turn out to be just like them, I’m afraid of being hurt again. I’m afraid of letting myself truly love you, and giving you something I can never take back, only to find when I wake up that all of it was a dream and that none of what we had was real, and I’m re-living that nightmare all over again. Every time you say something I want to hear, I question its truth. Growing up in a world where you begged for things you never received and instead were subjected to horrors unimaginable, it’s near impossible to allow myself to accept these things that are freely given to me that I desperately want.

I say I want to have control over every situation, and be in control of my own life for a change, but when I’m faced with a choice, I’m afraid. My life is like a gilded cage, I’m in a cell with the door wide open just begging me to leave its confines and make a life for myself but because of fear I remain a permanent prisoner in my own mind. I want to accept the love I’ve seen you show me, and I want to be with you, but how can I take that chance? When I was being raped and used by my former master and the Overseer I vowed never to allow myself to be in that situation again and yet when faced with the choice, here I am accepting it.

Am I accepting being with you because it is inevitable? Or do I want to be with you? Can I ever enjoy being with a man again when in every other instance I hated it and I wanted to die? Were they right about me when they said I was enjoying what they were doing to me because my body said I was? Was I just trying to convince myself that I hated what they did to me, when in reality I relished it? There are so many things I don’t understand about myself that I couldn’t hope to expect you to be able to explain it to me but all these things add up and all these things torment me preventing me from a life I deserve and want.” I rambled,

I looked at him shamefully after having just spilled my guts to him in a matter of seconds.

“I don’t have all the answers you’re looking for but I can tell you that it will be different with us as I mentioned before.”

“But how do you know for sure?”

We had begun to repeat ourselves.

“You’ll just have to trust me, because I don’t have the answers you want, I can only tell you what I feel.”

“I’m sorry, sorry.” I stuttered lowering my head, “It’s this stupid fear, it can never leave me alone, and I’m always making a fool of myself, I should never have pressed the subject, forgive me.”

I heard a small chuckle and instantly looked up, was he laughing at me?

“What?” I almost demanded,

“I’m not the only one who’s cute when they fluster it seems.” Quinn teased,

What was he…he was using humor in a serious conversation. Granted it wasn’t unwanted and I found it comforting to see he was accepting me and my insecurities, but I hardly expected him to joke at a time like this.

“But don’t worry; I understand what you’re saying. I know how easy it is to just tell you to trust me, which might be asking the impossible, but you have to try.” He encouraged,

“I just wish I could convince myself that I do.”

“Trying is a start, my love.”

“Don’t you mean ‘my lord’.”

“No.” He breathed, “Come what may, the good, the bad, and the in-between, the pleasant memories and the nightmares, I will be by your side.”

“I love you.” I held him and rested my head on his chest,

I could feel his arms wrap themselves comfortingly around me, “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there you have it guys, the conclusion to my first story of the series.  
> I hope you enjoyed and are looking forward to the following stories!


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